Now I’m aware that at just over 30 I’m usually a little older than most of my fellow dorm dwellers but this is the same me as I was at 20. The same me that loves a drink as much as the next man and wouldn’t begrudge anyone that. But there is a massive difference however between being drunk and being a selfish arsehole. I love my sleep and more importantly I hate being woken up. Always have done.
Now maybe you’re thinking ‘well you shouldn’t be staying in dorms then’, but the simple fact is we can’t afford to stay in private rooms all the time and we shouldn’t have to if people extended some simple common courtesy. So with out further a do, here’s how to make me want to kill you in your sleep:
1. The Light Switch Flickers
Do you have a phone with a torch? Or just a torch. If not, bloody well get one. Putting the light on in the early hours of the morning for any other reason than because there is a fire is unacceptable.
2. The Shake, Rattle and Rollers
Most bunk beds in budget hostel are not the sturdiest. Now usually J and I share a bunk, me on the top because I’m lighter. But I swear every time I end up sharing with someone else they are some kind of Olympic epileptic fit sleeper. Seriously if you are so restless just get the f**k up! Go and have a cup of tea or something.
3. The Born in a Barners
Before you came into the dorm at 3am, where everyone was asleep, the door was shut for good reason. Now with it wide open I have to listen to every activity in the hallway and reception. Doors are pretty self explanatory with how they work and surely if you’ve opened it to walk in you should be capable of figuring out how to close. No?
4. The Stinkers
If you want to let out a massive rip, go to the bathroom. I should not have to be subject to the activities of your arsehole. It’s as simple and disgusting as that.
5. The Rustlers
It’s the poor planning that gets me more than the noise. Everyone forgets the odd thing if leaving early for an excursion but people who pack their whole day bag the same morning. Why do you do this? Worse still in this category are those who pack their whole bag to check out. The level of selfishness astounds me. Unless you’ve just been booted from the hostel in your sleep and weren’t aware you were leaving, use you’re brain please!
6. The Chatters
Do you have absolutely zero self awareness? One dude recently thought it was fine to be the personal alarm clock for his friends and shout across the room to wake them up at 6am. Incredible. If you’re travelling with someone I appreciate that of course you need to communicate with them but exercise some level of volume control, the times I’ve been subject to full on conversations about absolute shite now in the early hours of the morning is beyond me. I mean come on!
7. The Alarm Snoozers
I was terrible for this when I was working but that was in my own bedroom, in my own home where only my husband and I slept. Doing it in a dorm with 12 other people – seriously?! You do realise I’m not catching your 5am flight with you, right?!
8. The Clean Freaks
This is perhaps the weirdest one I have had the displeasure of encountering. Can any of you explain why it would be necessary to take a 3am shower then get back into bed? Because I’m out. I’m rather inclined to think it’s maybe just because you want to. Well sometimes I like dancing around naked but I don’t – because I’m sharing a dorm WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
9. The Shaggers
Last but by no means the least, I cannot abide listening to someone else’s sex noises. It really does make me want to suffocate you. We had the displeasure of sleeping in one place that was like a whore house – seriously I do not know what they were putting in the water there, but every night they were at it like rabbits. Until they woke me up that is. I will hold my tongue in most of the above situations because it only usually serves to make me more cross but this, no way. If you try to have sex near me, consider yourself warned. A northern English birds sleep deprived 3am rage is not pretty.
Now I’m not an idiot, people are people, especially drunk people and I am well aware that I have an extreme reaction to sleep deprivation so most of the time I do sleep with my headband over my eyes and ear plugs in. However, if you fall into any of these categories of sleep thief than I am afraid we won’t be becoming friends. I do not forget or forgive being woken up by your selfish early morning antics.